Jelly-Side Down

Featuring 'The New Adventures of Mr. Wheeze'

News of the World  Ohmygosh! It's running backwards again.

The New Adventures of Mr. Wheeze
You can quit holding your breath now! America's most dysfunctional couple is back.

New Rules.. All Over Again
It's never too late to stop being a jerk.

The Perfect Excuse
How-to kick the Travel Habit

Much To-Do About Nothing
Life planning made easy

A Letter to Fred    You ain't gonna' die, Fred.

News of the World 

Polaris Interruptus

  Four years ago this week a large and unexpected shift in the earth's internal magnetic field triggered a world-wide calamity of unprecedented magnitude. Low earth-orbiting satellites ceased to function. All scheduled commercial airlines were grounded. Radio transmissions in almost all frequency bands were disrupted throughout the world. Broadcast television and telephone signal transmissions became garbled. Any device powered by an electric motor that traveled more than 5,000 feet above sea level was rendered unstable. 

   And so the problem remains today. The world's top scientists and engineers have scrambled for a fix, but find the problem a difficult one to solve. When asked what exactly caused the problem, Dr. Werner Van Hosen, Chief Scientist for The National Atmospheric Agency replied, "I'll be damned if I know. That's a funny one!"

   In Washington, the Gore administration declared a national emergency.  Intra-city travel by automobile has been limited to registered Democrats, lobbyists, emergency and police vehicles only. The nation's rail and bus services are operating at 110% of capacity.

   Two days ago an Army National Guard unit was dispatched to restore order after a crazed motorist opened fire from his electrically-driven Saab vehicle, which had stalled in gridlock traffic along U.S. Highway 60 in rural Pie Town (pop. 45), New Mexico;  seriously wounding 44.

   Pie Town, which is located at an elevation of 4,995 feet, was inundated when an entire contingent of electric vehicles from the Save Vermont From the Environmental Bullies coalition suddenly changed polarity at the top of the hill on the west side of town and then rolled back into town, where they ran smack into another contingent of protesters from Oregon who were headed home from a Save the Spotted Barfly convention, which was held this year at Billy-Bob's Steak House in Wichita Falls, Texas.

   However, there's always a bright side to every sad story. Hammond Sandowsky, Chief Mechanic for Montana's Deer Creek Fun n' Sun Amusement Park comments:

  "Yessah! Business been a' real good since we get to start the Big Sky Coaster at the low end."

 "That last hill's a real doozey now!" 

The New Adventures of Mr. Wheeze

The Job Hunt

Breee... Breee... Breee...

Hallo!

Mr. Wheeze?

Ah ya ... this here's Mister Wheeze

  This is Gary Superlative with Superlative Employment Services down in Asswarmer, Mass. Have I caught you at a bad time today, sir?

  Well... I was just takin' a whiz. But that's all right. What can I do for ya , Mr. Super .. How you say that again?

Superlative.. Gary Superlative.

  Mr. Wheeze, I noticed your rather interesting resume on the Internet this morning. First one I've ever seen done up in crayon colors like that. Are you still actively seeking employment?

Ah ya! I'm lookin' for work. Active's o.k., I guess.

Good! Then I think we have a match! I'll send your resume right over to our client.

I don't smoke. What's this you say this here client a yours does?

   Oh! I'm sorry, Mr. Wheeze. I can't tell you that. It's confidential. But you'll like the company. It's a great place to work, and the opportunities are fantastic. 

How much da I get paid... for doin' this confidential stuff?

  No.. Sir.. The work is not confidential. I just can't tell you much about it over the telephone. We'll set you up right away for a pre-interview interview. O.K., Mr. Wheeze?

I thought this was the interview?

No.. Mr. Wheeze our client has a 16-step process for hiring. Would you like me to explain them all?

That's o.k.

Good. And Mr. Wheeze. What about references? Do you have any?

Sure I got references.

Good. I'm ready to write.

Write what?

Your references.

Well.. There's World Book.

Oh! You've worked for World Book Corporation.

   No. Never have. But I got a World Book. Mom give it to me a few years back. Got it at a garage sale down in Andover. Got that book by that Rogers fellow, too. The one with all the fancy sounds-like words.

  Why don't we just skip the references until some other time then, Mr. Wheeze.

O.K. Can you at least tell me a little about the job?

   Sure. I'd be happy to tell you what I can. Our client is looking for a highly energetic team-player with outstanding interpersonal skills. 

  The ideal candidate will have a doctorate in Nuclear Physics, and will be bi-lingual.

   Well, I play darts down at the Elks. Heck! Sometimes we're all out standing in the alley after Billy cuts a raunchy one. Damned hard-boiled eggs.

Whew! But I don't take no physics unless I have to. You oughta' try some a that Asahi beer.. Japanese. Won't need no physics after a few pints a that. 

Now this bi-lingual stuff. Sounds kinda' dirty to me. You sure this client a yours ain't down there in the combat zone?

Well then Mr. Wheeze. It looks like we're right on track. I'll talk with you again tomorrow.

Ah ya!

The Telemarketer

 Breee…. Breee…. Breee….

Hallo!

 Mr. Wheeze?

 Ah ya. This here’s George Wheeze.

  Hi! My name is Dave Swindle with Benchmark Discount and Health Services. How are you today?

 Ah ..well … that darn thing on my backside still hasn’t healed right. Doc Aiken said it could be the mange. You ever had the mange? Itches like heck sometimes. And Bernice fell down the cellar steps this morning. Laid there a good ten minutes ‘til the dog licked her face some.  Gotta’ fix that railing.

 That’s too bad about your wife, sir.

 Heck! She ain’t my wife. She’s the U.P.S. lady. Got a boxful of that new Via..gara stuff I ordered from the TV. Every tried that? Billy down at work says he walks around snortin’ like that old brown heffer we had a few years back since he started takin’ that stuff.

 No. I’ve never tried it, sir.

 Now what you say your name was again? Mr. Swine…

 Swindle… Dave Swindle with Benchmark Discount and Health Services!

 Say Dave, its awful noisy where you are there? Sure you ain’t callin’ from the Greyhound Bus Station? I could come get ya!

 No sir, it’s a place of business. What I called you about, Mr. Wheeze was…

 Dammit… Just a minute, Dave. The damn dog’s in the refrigerator again.. Hold on…. How in the heck does he open that door?

 Marge! Marge! Get the damn dog out of the Frigidaire. He’s gonna spoil the egg salad again…. Shoot!

 Ah.. sorry there Dave, not what were you sayin’?

 Nothing. 

<Click>….. hummmmm

Ah ya. Guess that fella' just didn’t feel like talkin’ this morning.

Auto Shopping

Great looking machine, isn’t it?

Hmmm..

Hi! I’m Jimmy Johnston, and you’re..?

Wheeze.. George Wheeze

As you can see Mr. Wheeze, here at Vanderschlock Transportation Center we have the cleanest and most affordable vehicles in the city!

Hmmm.... missed a little birdshit on the door handle there.

We’ll clean that up for you. Do you live here in Vanderschlock, Mr. Wheeze?

Ah ya! All my life.

Now.. just what type of vehicle did you have in mind today, sir?

She said take the red, or the blue. Either’s o.k.

I’m sorry. I meant what style of vehicle are you looking for? An SUV? A truck? A sedan? Or just a sporty thing that’s fun to drive?

I don’t drive.

Then how did you get here?

Marge brought me.

So the vehicle’s for Marge. Is that your wife?

Ah ya! But she don’t drive, either. She got sick and had to go on home. Chucked up all over that poor little Mexican girl at University Avenue. Gets ride sick. Always has.

Well…George… here’s a nice red ’06 Ford Explorer. It’s fully loaded. Power rear seats. 360 Horsepower V-8, A/C. The works! Just smell that upholstery. It’s the most popular SUV on the road today!

Sounds good. When does it leave?

Why… I suppose it leaves when you write me a check for $29,464.86 George. Ha! Ha! Of course, that includes destination charges, state sales tax, and title transfer.

Awful damn expensive. Say, since when do you bus drivers take checks?

I’m not a bus driver, Mr. Wheeze.

And this ain’t the bus station?

No!

Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here ‘til the Crosstown Blue comes.

Anything you say, Mr. Wheeze.

The Clog

George Wheeze! Get out from under there and put that wrench away this instant.

Uggghhh! Dang! Shoot! aaahhh.. Bumped my head again. 

George. Did you call the plumber like I asked you?

Ah ya.  She said he'd be around when he got around.  Didn't sound sure.

Well, clean this place up. We don't want the plumber to see this mess. You'd think we live in a glass pig stye!

Ah ya. But pigs don't wear glasses over their eyes, Marge. They'd fall right off when the pig bent down to eat. Pig's ain't got much of a nose for wearin' glasses.  

What are you babbling about, George? I can't hear you. I'm in the bathroom.

Nuthin..

Bing-Bong.  Bing-Bong.  Bing-Bong.

Whaaaat the heck's that noise, Marge!

How long have you lived in this house, George? That's the bell on the front door. When the bell on the front door rings someone's got to go answer it. Now go answer it!

Ah ya. Well, I'm gettin' closer to it. Keep your bloomers on.

Vanderschlock Plumbing. You called about a backed up kitchen sink drain, sir?

Ah ya. Marge had me call 'ya. Say! Nice plummin' truck you got there. Never seen a PINK plummin' truck before.

That was the boss's idea. He's got a real sense of humor.

What's that say on the side there?

Vanderschlock Plumbing 

We're tickled pink to serve you. 

Pretty clever, huh. Makes people talk.

So you want I should tickle 'ya some then before we talk? 

Ah... No.. But thanks just the same. Can I see the problem now?

What problem?

The backed up kitchen sink drain.

  Well, I'm not real sure its all the way backed up, but you're welcome to come look.

Say! Some right fancy little plastic booties 'ya got on there.

  Yeah. The boss makes us wear them over our shoes so we don't track dirt onto your floors.

  Well, 'ya won't need 'em much in there. Marge ain't scrubbed that floor right since Harry Truman came down to the diner that one time.

Tell me when, George.

George.

George!  

Are you listening to me, George!

Sir. I think your wife is calling you from upstairs.

Ah ya.   W-H-E-N !

  She's timing 'ya with a stop watch. Says we won't get overcharged too much that way.

(Five hours and twenty-two minutes and four seconds later.)

  Well, the drain's running a little better now. I can't believe we've removed thirteen-and-a-half pounds of goop from that little drainpipe. Sir, in all my years as a licensed plumber I've never seen a drain clogged that solid with egg salad.

  Ah ya. That'd be the dog. She don't much like Marge's cookin', either. Takes everything  from the Frigidaire and puts it here in the sink to get rid of it. Can't figure out how in the heck she manages to turn on the water, though. Smart damn dog.

  Well, I'll be going then. Here's your bill and thanks for calling Vanderschlock Plumbing. We're tickled pink to serve you!

  Say! Hold on there just a minute Mr. Licensed Plummer. You probably ain't had no breakfast yet. We could go down to the diner and have some scrambled eggs with that dried-up beef stuff on top, or I could have Marge whip us up another batch of her egg salad real quick. 

  Ah.. Thanks but I'm on a no-egg diet for the rest of this week. Got to be going now.

  Hmmm.... Why the heck's he runnin' down the driveway like that. Seems to me he's in an awful damn frisky hurry to go to work. 

 Come to think of it, I never did see a plummer with little plastic booties on run like that.

Looks sorta' like a duck with mud flaps.

Takes all kinds, I guess.

Sign in the Window of a London Tobacconist Shop:

Come inside and see!

We have Prince Albert in the Can 

New Rules .. All Over Again

   Lately, every time I open a newspaper it seems to automatically unfold to the obituary page. Although this is annoying, it hasn't made me overly concerned about death. 

Not yet, anyway.

 However, it has made me realize that over the years I've managed to squander a lot of time and energy being stubbornly opinionated, selfish, petty, vain and self-centered.

  And that's just a few of the things people around me say could stand some improvement. Up until now, I didn't know I was such a mess. 

For crying out loud.  Now they tell me!

  So before its too late, I've decided to do something about my rotten demeanor. I suppose what I'm really afraid of is that one morning my spirit will seat itself in my chair at the kitchen table, clear its squeaky little ghost throat, and then recite from page seven of the East Vanderschlock Transcript:

Vanderschlock man, 59, a real jerk, died suddenly this morning, at his residence, mainly from being greedy, self-centered, vain and spiteful ....

  The text will ramble on to chronicle a short list of my occupations and accomplishments, and then tell friends where they can come to see me dressed in my ill-fitting Sears Arnold Palmer 50% wool suit. 

And, for the most part, that will be it.

Chilling, isn't it?

  So from this day forward I've decided to start giving back just a little more than I receive, quit combing my hair so much, and shift my center of attention to include those around me.

 I'm also going to be kind, thoughtful and understanding. As a bonus to myself I am also going to quit thinking negative thoughts, except when absolutely necessary.

  So far it's working. For three mornings now I've started my day by lying prone in bed for a good extra half-hour, where I yodel the words to my favorite Merle Haggard inspirational song:

Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading I denied..

 Unfortunately this only works for a minute or two, until I actually crawl from the bed and start to dress myself. You see, most of my vital body parts are stored overnight in a tray next to my bed:

  While I assemble and fine tune the various components, the telephone will ring.  I know I should allow the answering machine to take the call.

 However, I need to know who's calling me.

 It could be Dubyah, calling to invite Diane and I to the White House for dinner. Or it could be the IRS calling to explain how sorry they are that I overpaid my taxes all these years, and a check for $45,207.23 is at this moment speeding its way through the U.S. Postal Service delivery system toward my mailbox. 

"Hello."

(silence for 6 seconds while the telemarketing computer thinks)

"Hello .." 

(more silence)

"H E L L O!"

<click..thunk>

 John! this is Dave at Debt-Minder Services

  Why.. ahh... hello Dave. I'm so glad you called this morning. I was just getting dressed. How are the wife and kids today?

  John, you really need to think about your debt. Have you given that any thought?

  No. But I'll bet you're glad you got me on the phone instead of one of those rude, insensitive and self-centered people that just hangs up when you call. No?

  John. Did you know that at current interest rates, it will take you approximately 47 1/2 years to pay off your debt?

  Holy smokes! That'll make me.. ahhhh.. 108 years old! Don't I get an exemption or something when I'm that old?

  I'm afraid not, John. That's why you need to take care of this problem now, before it gets out of hand.

  I see. Well, I'm certainly glad you called to warn me about this problem. Heck, I could have been in real trouble there at 108 years old, with nowhere to turn.

John, our company has a wonderful plan for you....

  Say Dave, could I interrupt for a minute here. I'm curious, do you take it personally when petty, vain and spiteful folks - who are not like me - just hang up on you without sayin' boo?

Well.. no.. I don't take it personally. It's part of the job.

So it doesn't bother you at all?

Not really.

You're sure?

Yes.

You're positive?

Yes.

<click>

  Lately, every time I open my newspaper it seems to automatically unfold to the sports page. Although this is annoying, it hasn't made me overly concerned about sports.

 Not yet, anyway. 

However, it has made me realize that over the years I've managed to squander a lot of time and energy being stubbornly opinionated, selfish, petty, vain and self-centered about sports.

 And that's just a few of the things people say could stand some improvement ..

Much To-Do About Nothing

  A 'to-do' list can be an invaluable resource planning tool for people who want or need to do things. Doing things is a very important part of life, because if you don't do things, they won't get done. 

 Consequently, if things are not done, the things you didn't do are left for others to do. If the things that were left by you for others to do are routinely left undone, then .... 

 Anyway, it should be obvious that if everyone left everything for everyone else to do, then nothing would ever get done, and the whole world would collapse like a wet taco. 

 Wait. It gets worse. If the world collapsed like a wet taco, that would be a major TV news item; which would, in turn, cause NBC-4 to run a Breaking News Bulletin right in the middle of General Hospital, just as Luke and Laura were about to fall off the edge of Victoria Falls in their waterlogged and sinking outrigger canoe. 

Anyway, it would be terrible.

 The basic goodness in a to-do list lies with its unique ability to help you remember to accomplish a set of tasks, such as trim your toenails, or walk the cat, etc; and have the tasks on your to-do list completed well within the boundaries of your immediate lifetime.

 When you consider whether or not you should establish a to-do list to support a series of tasks, it's important to remember that in some interactive settings the concept of list-making may be frowned upon. Some examples of these places are:

  The example to-do list below is intended to serve only as a boilerplate template that will help you create your own to-do list. Thus, the actual contents of your list may be somewhat different than mine:

Jocko's Retirement To-Do List

1. Conduct exhaustive nationwide pre-retirement relocation and housing survey.  

1A. Transport Reminder: Remember that you can travel in a cost-effective manner throughout all of North America via Greyhound Bus. However, you may want to hide the true spirit of your journey from inquisitive fellow bus passengers, for obvious reasons.

To-do so: Tell them you're a famous executive producer gathering background for a bright new upcoming network TV reality series entitled: 'Naked Dwarf Retirees Do Extreme Makeovers in Paradise'.

1B. At each highway rest stop: Alight from the bus with a small cellular telephone protruding conspicuously from your left breast pocket. Occasionally point to the device, and then casually remark to any local person within earshot, "Do you know what this is?" When at last one poor soul answers, "No! What's that?"

2. Mark the exact location of this aberration on your official Abercrombie & Fitch plastic-coated U.S.G.S. topographical map.

2A. Cash in your cost-effective Greyhound bus ticket.

2B. Call a cost-effective moving company.

2C. Buy a cost-effective home in the immediate area.

Upon arrival at your cost-effective new home:

3. Toss or throw all television sets from 2nd floor windows. 

Safety Note: Be careful to first open the sash, and also remember to take note of small pedestrians who may be malingering on the sidewalk below.

4. Drop the previously mentioned cellular telephone down the nearest sewer manhole. Gently replace manhole cover.

5. Walk downtown and apply for a cost-effective library card.

6. Call telephone company and ask them to install a cost-effective payphone in the basement of your cost-effective new home.

7. Sell or give away all gasoline-powered conveyances to anyone who is foolish enough to accept them.

8. Donate personal computers and other devices that 'connect' to things to local non-profit organizations.

8. Buy cost-effective used bicycle (one-speed).

9. Remember to walk to the post office and collect your mail once a month. Detailed self-instructions follow:

10. Bathe and shave everywhere you can reach at least once a week with plain soap and hot water. Remember that personal hygiene is an important part of a successful social life.

11. Venture out into the neighborhood to locate a barbershop or pet store where you can receive a cost-effective haircut each calendar quarter. 

Note: Only difference between expensive haircut and cost-effective haircut is about three weeks time.

12. Quit buying things.

13. Purchase leftover Frankie Valli and the Four Season's Greatest Hits CD package from the Wal-Mart bargain bin. Set up stereo to continuously play smash-hit song 'Cherie Baby' 24-hours per day, at moderate to high volume.

Reference Note: It has been recently established through scientific research that items mentioned in #13 above will effectively repel mosquitoes, black flies, and small children that venture within a 200-foot perimeter circle of a private residence. Also, when placed in proximity to a standard network telephone device, the harmonics of the beautiful Four Season's love melody mentioned above offers formidable discouragement to telemarketers, and most charitable fund-drive customer service representatives.

14. Remember: There are times when it's wise to see a doctor.

15. Also Remember: There are times when it's a waste of time and money to see a doctor.

16. Learn the difference between #14 and #15.

17. An additional list of things and people to avoid in your cost effective new home is included here for future reference:

Medical Archives

 Combitis  (generic name: vanity) An infectious disease manifested by proximity to large mirrors, and/or excessive exposure to television waves. Most common in those under 50 years of age, but can be generalized among any population. Bald people and babies are usually not affected.

A Letter To Fred

 Work 'til you drop! It's the 'new' American way. 

TO: 

December 12, 2006

Dear Fred,

 Hi there old buddy! I received your long letter today and thought I'd answer it real quick before I forgot where I put the computer again. 

 You say you're real worried about your job now because you heard a bunch of rumors last week. Had I heard 'em, too?

 Well Fred, I think you'd do better not to believe special doctors and book writers, and them so-called experts in these matters that concern getting older, and working. These folks guess about things a lot, and probably make the rest of it up as they go along.  

 But you might want to believe your young boss when he says you're maybe not going to be around there working for him much longer. The way I see it, this whole business of choosing between work or retirement may be in some trouble this time around. 

Can you believe it? Nowadays, these smart young business folks want you to get smokin' mad so you'll just up and quit working.  My friend, they can fill your tired old chair with a young fellow who works faster than a penny slot machine, and who costs 'em only about half of your ticket.

 It's either that, or they want you to work like a darn mule straight up 'til the day you drop over dead at your desk. 

There just ain't many flat rocks left in the creek, Fred. 

 And you say here in your letter that on top of all that you've been reading about what them special Geritol-ologist doctors are saying: 

"If you quit working, you're probably gonna' die."

Now that idea is really dumb. 

 Here's how I've come to that conclusion: 

It just ain't so. 

 When you hear of some poor fellow who died shortly after quitting work it's probably closer to the truth to say he was ate up before he decided to retire, and he had a fair chance of buying the farm anyway. 

 Or it could've even been caused by this other thing they call speed shifting.  You see, some folks never do grasp the idea that retirement must include a short transition period where you shift gears some before you slow all the way down to being lazy. This slow-shifting supposedly prevents lasting damage to vital old body parts. 

In addition, you've got to pay real close attention to the rules listed on page four of the OHBOM (Old Human Body Operator's Manual). 

I copied them here for 'ya: 

1. When cruising at speeds in excess of 150 miles per hour, do not suddenly or unexpectedly try to jam the shift lever into low gear. Instead:

2. Depress the clutch.

3. Change to the next lower gear.

4. After the transmission and engine have reached a matching rotational speed, slowly proceed through all intermediate gear settings by repeating steps 2 and 3.   

5. Congratulations! You are now retired. 

Fred, if you don't miss any of the real important steps on page 4, the OHBOM says you'll probably live to enjoy the good stuff: 

 This includes the entire 10% meal discount traditionally offered at every Golden Horseshoe Corral Bar & Restaurant in North America (and selected cities on the Upper Baja California de Mexico peninsula).

Heredity and personal habits mostly determine when you're going to die, Fred.  So I hope we can agree that you sitting in a big Adirondack chair on a warm beach down in Florida hasn't much to do with death as we know it.

 Of course, there are probably a few things beyond your control you'll need to consider.  For one, you might accidentally walk into the side of a bus on your way down to the beach. In that case you'd be obliged to add bad luck and fate to the list.  But that's about it.

  How you think about retirement is probably a  lot more important than whether or not you decide to keep working at some thankless job that, in the end, probably won't amount to more than a half-hill of beans for you anyway. 

Fred, the truth is that some folks feel they must work right until the day they die in order to consider themselves important and useful to the rest of the world.

  And there's just as many folks out there who're content to be unimportant and not do a crumb of work, and don't give a hoot whether you know it or not. These people actually figure they've earned the right to be stink lazy. 

They're just collecting on what they think they've earned. 

  Whichever one of these ideas you choose when the time comes depends on your notion of how things ought to be for you. 

So quit 'yer darn worryin'. You ain't gonna' die!

The Perfect Excuse  

  Can you come a little closer, please? I don't want anyone to hear this except you and me, and maybe that wall over there: 

I think I may be addicted to traveling. 

There. I've said it.  

  Unlike some addictions that snatch you up quickly, I didn't just wake up this morning to find this big green thing growing on the end of my nose.  My guess is that this thing happened to me sort of gradually like, say, over many numerous and continuous years.

 If you've got some time to kill, I'll tell you how I think it all got started: 

  In the old Navy - that's Uncle Sam's boat Navy, not the Old Navy place where you buy them T-shirts -  I must've traveled a good million up-and-down miles poking square holes in the ocean. And then there was all those years I spent in them traveling jobs. And then I retired and bought one of them fancy RBs (Recreation Buggies). Well, you get the picture. All of that sure didn't help none.

   Mercy! But I pretty much sit at home now and watch the woodwork turn colors. So you’d think I'd have had some time to grow up and get this thing under control by now. Wouldn't you?  

   Most retired folks I know are content to just hang around the backyard and burn chicken legs on the Hi-bachi when summer rolls around, but not me. No sir. I'm different. Actually, here in New Hamster we don't have what you might call a summer anyway. It's more like nine months of winter, followed by three months of crappy skiing. 

  Anyway, contentment for me comes only when I hear that sound that cold tires make on hot pavement. Have you ever heard that sound?  It sounds almost like that pair of tomcats I hear once and awhile scrapping over an old stale pie down back of Norm's Diner.

  Lately though, I've been getting a little worried about myself because I think I’m starting to act funny. I wouldn't call it peculiar exactly, but funny. 

   I sometimes dress up in my old green jacket and my black 'Freightliner' ball cap that doesn't fit quite right anymore since I got a new haircut, and then I drive down to that big truckstop down by South Worcester Center.

  When no one's looking I sneak inside and park myself in one of them slippery booths, and then just sit there and wait for a waitress or somebody to come walking by. 

   A small sign on the wall warns unwashed folks like me to please get lost: 

Professional Driver’s Only  

   When the time is right I lift the receiver on the little black driver's telephone that sits there next to the sugar shaker, and then I talk in a pretty-hard-not-to-hear voice: 

<click>

< If you want to place a call, please hang up and dial again... AT&T 103 >

   After the second or third act with with my pinky finger over the buttons, I order the three-egg special, double home fries, and a pile of them greasy bangers. (thank God for Zocor).

   It's pretty funny. I've been doing this now for about three months now, and do you know what? No one seems to notice me anymore. It's like I'm invisible. 

    Anyway, I’m sick about this. I'll tell you what I need to cure this problem. What I need to cure this problem is an excuse to travel. I need a darned good excuse to just wander about anyplace I want to wander, all by myself, without having to explain to everyone or anyone why I'm doing it.

  For the life of me though, I can't figure a good excuse. 

   Hey! Wait a minute. Maybe I could be one of them traveling salesmen? Yeah! I could travel around and sell stuff -- Christmas cards. Pork Rinds. Gillette Foamy in the big can. Come to think of it, I could use a new lawnmower. Heck, I could sell lawnmowers, too! 

   On second thought - Nah! All that stuff you hear about the wandering Fuller Brush guy probably isn't true anyway. I'll bet that's nice work if you can get it though. 

Now where was I? 

Oh! Now the reason I’m confessing this all to you here is because.....

    Shoot! I just now remembered. This morning a solution for my problem showed up when I was talking on the phone with my neighbor Andy. 

I want to run it by you to see what you think of it. 

   Andy Pasco, an old friend of mine, called this morning and told me that on Friday he's going to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for a week of golfing, and whatever.  Andy's not going there with his family mind you, but with a few of the boys from work.

  Now over the years I think I've gotten to know Andy and his wife Marsha pretty well.  Believe me, under no circumstances short of death would she allow that big balding scoundrel out of her sight for more than a quick thirty seconds at a time.

  But she's going to let Andy go play golf (and whatever) all by himself for a whole week in a strange place that's way south of our Mason-Dixon line. 

Hmmm..

  My guess here is based upon a pretty thin slice of ham, but it would seem to me that golfing today has become a perfect excuse to leave town without anybody wanting to tag along behind you.

  Hey! And the best part of this deal is that you don’t have to explain to anyone why you’re going all the way to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to play golf, even when there's at least twenty or thirty-five golf courses right here in South Worcester County. 

  So this evening at the dinner table I'm going to announce it to everyone. Yup! I'm going to start a brand new career as a Professional Touring Golf Traveler.  And besides that, I'm gonna' start me up a whole new club especially for travel-addicted male people. 

I'm going to call it the:

World Truckstop Golfing & Good Old Boys With Stinking Feet Association

  Don't worry none about that name. For members other than myself, the stinky feet part will be optional.

Things We Wonder

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Why do the words overlook and oversee have opposite meanings?

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 It is well known that lawyers can be disbarred, and clergymen can be defrocked. So shouldn't it follow that:

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would the company then be called:

 FED UP?

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 Here's a better idea. 

Why not place those mug shots right on the postage stamps where everybody would see them?

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How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

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Did you ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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If a cow could laugh, would milk come out of its nose?

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